


Not the End of Me

by Purple_Martin



Series: Beauty from Pain [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mental Instability, Pre-Sacrifices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-25
Updated: 2017-09-25
Packaged: 2018-12-24 15:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12015855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purple_Martin/pseuds/Purple_Martin
Summary: Upon seeing where the road to Kellogg ends, Jackie nearly abandons the whole thing. Tries to walk off, run away, but in her haste, she stumbles into Piper. The reporter rattles her shoulders,‘we’ve come too far Blue,’and won’t let her leave.How does she tell Piper that the vault stole her reason for living but Fort Hagen is where she left her life behind?





	Not the End of Me

_"Stand in the rain_  
_Stand your ground_  
_Stand up when it's all crashing down_  
_You stand through the pain_  
_You won't drown_  
_And one day, whats lost can be found_  
_You stand in the rain"_

_-Stand in the Rain, Superchick-_

How long has it been? Hours? Minutes? Mere seconds? Perhaps a day has come and gone all while her tattered and tired boots endlessly beat a well-worn path into the street.

Now, the sun lazily sinks below the ruined buildings set upon the hill as darkness in the east gobbles up the light in its swift pursuit of the western horizon. Glittering pinpricks dot the sky and tiny tendrils of warm pastels, peeking from behind the crumbling ruins of the base, confirm what Jackie already knows; she’s wasted the entire day.

Just outside the main gate, she's been pacing and panicking, lost to her grief and unable to proceed because she's beyond words. Where does she even begin? She can’t possibly explain to Piper what this place means. Of all the blown out shanties for that bastard to stowaway, why did it have to be _here_?

Upon seeing where the road to Kellogg ended, Jackie nearly abandoned the whole thing. Tried to walk off, run away, but in her haste, she stumbled into Piper. The reporter rattled her shoulders, _‘we’ve come too far Blue,_ and wouldn't let her leave.

How does she tell Piper that she spent years building her life here? That her demons remain unearthed within the base? The vault stole her reason for living, but Fort Hagen is where she left her life behind. It’s not just about Nate, the people here were their friends, their co-workers, it was _their_ life, not just hers.

Coming here feels like she’s losing them all over again. Friends, family, Nate, Shaun, even herself, robbed by man's lack of restraint. All that remains is an emptiness within and fragments of herself that whittle away what little humanity she has left.

What if Kellogg isn’t even inside? Or something’s happened to Shaun? What if she’s too late? She can’t bring herself to go in there because within the bowels of the base is her end. Fort Hagen will surely ruin her.

“Blue,” Piper’s voice drifts from the nearby barricade in front the bunker-like guard post. Her boots kicked over one another and burgundy coattails fluttering as she leans against the concrete and takes another drag from her cigarette. “it’s getting late.”

She’s been patient, quietly waiting for Jackie to make the first move and meander up the hill to central command.  She’s not sure if she can though, so she stands there twisting her hands together. Afraid of moving forward, of seeing what’s beyond the gate, she hopes Piper will relent and make her way back down the hill towards the city.

“It’ll be dark soon,” instead she snuffs out her smoke on the decaying barrier and pushes herself upright as she flicks the butt away, “we can’t stay out here any longer.”

With Dogmeat panting at her heels, Piper approaches to pull her along. By now, the day is quickly fading to night as dusk claims the sky. There’s no more time for procrastination. It’s dangerous to remain outside, they have to move. She’s not ready. She doesn’t think she ever will be, but what kind of mother abandons her son?

Piper squeezes her hand and walks on while Dogmeat waits by her side. All she can do is sigh because she’s been beaten and bruised before she's even begun. Jackie's boots are like lead as she shuffles forward. Leaves crunch beneath her ragged tread when she crosses the threshold onto the base with her ever faithful four-legged companion.

There are whispers in the eerie creaking of trees, wind carrying the cadence of boots on the ground through the barren branches. Ghosts lurk in the shadows, skirting the dull moonlight in her peripherals as they heckle her sanity.

 _“Jacqs,”_ phantoms in her ear, _“you’re beautiful.”_ memories softly caress her hips, _“You know that right?”_

“Dixie,” she tries to push the invisible fingers away and turns her head, expecting warm brown eyes, but is greeted only by desolate wasteland, “people are gonna talk.”

_“Let them talk.”_

The breeze blows her hair about her shoulders, tickles her neck, and she closes eyes, “Don’t leave me,” she pleads for just a moment more.

Dogmeat whines beside her, his tongue slicking her palm as he encourages her onward. Piper’s blurred figure moves ahead and Jackie covers her face, presses her fingers to her eyes. It’s too much, she shouldn’t have come here.

 _Shaun, you’re here for Shaun._ A reminder of why she’s here. Nate would never forgive her if she turned her back on their baby, so she sniffles and wipes at her cheeks and she keeps walking. There will be time to fall apart later.

The red and gray stone building looms ever closer and there’s a prick in her ears, whirling in the distance, she’s forgotten the command center’s been fortified. In her delirium, Jackie allowed her friend to trigger the automated defenses.

“Piper! Get down!” she barely has time to yell before bullets rain from the roof.

Jackie ducks down beside an old truck and Piper curses as she scrambles for cover behind the nearby building. There’s rumbling beside her and she holds up her hand to keep Dogmeat from racing out into the fire.

“Thanks for the heads up!” Piper shouts and Jackie can practically hear the eye roll.

Bullets ping off the rusted car across the street and Jackie crawls around the truck bed to get a better vantage. Nate’s shotgun strapped to her back’s no good, she’s out of range. Her hand reaches for the gun strapped to her thigh but Jackie’s never been good with a pistol long range. The adrenaline of combat and the staccato of her heart pounding away makes her hands shake. She needs to get closer but the targeting system has locked onto Piper. If she tries to move now, she’ll wind up with a bullet in her back.

Across the way, Piper’s got her gun drawn and she tries to shimmy around the corner but lead slams into the wall, sending brick and mortar flying. There’s cursing and gunfire but all Jackie can see through the dust is muzzle flash. She strains her neck enough to peek over the truck bed in time to see the turret explode in a puff of smoke.

Without second thought, Jackie darts from her hiding spot, there are more turrets on the back corners but they can be dealt with later. Blood beats in her ears as she runs towards Piper and as the dust settles, she’s relieved to see her friend coughing and wiping the dirt from her coat as if it’s just a walk in the park.

“I’m fine,” Piper swats her hands away, she knows Jackie will fuss, “Got the job done, no thanks to you.”

Their shoulders knock and Jackie knows Piper is giving her a hard time, but the situation could have been avoided. Piper’s lucky she’s not hurt. For now, she appears to be intact and unharmed so Jackie’s eyes drift back to central command, “I’m sorry. I knew they were there, it’s just…”

_“Look alive, soldier.”_

She can’t seem to get Nate’s voice out of her head.

Shadows befall Piper’s face, “Come on, let’s keep moving,” diverting Jackie’s attention before she drowns in memories again.

They move onward with Dogmeat trotting along ahead. As they approach, Jackie can see the main entrance is collapsed.

“Keep your gun out,” Jackie doesn’t want another mishap, “We can get in from the roof, but there are more defenses around back.”

With Dogmeat by her side, mist swirls from the earth as Piper trails them around the building and up the stairs. It blankets the ground, curling upward like specters rising from their graves. A mystic tunnel leading to the ramshackle ramp at the end of the alley. The faint grinding of gears drift down from the roof as the trio skirts the wall to avoid detection.

Despite her ghosts, Jackie’s on alert. She presses herself against the bricks and shuffles around the corner to crouch beneath the scaffolding.  Piper’s right behind her but Jackie extends her arm, “Hold up,” and nods towards the sound of sputtering above. “I heard one on the edge of the roof,” pointing in the direction from which they came.

Piper cranes her neck around the corner, “Yeah, I see it.”

“And I think there’s one more just overhead.” Jackie creeps up the ramp, whispering to her dog to wait below, just enough to see the top of another machine gun scanning the area. “Affirmative, I can see it from here. You got a clean shot on the other one?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Piper already has her gun at the ready and aimed at the roof.

Jackie isn’t in the mood for her dramatics but she knows the job will get done. “Ready?” she prompts. Piper nods and hums an acknowledgment. “...now!”

Shots ring in her ears and the turrets are reduced to flaming piles of metal before the targeting systems can engage.

“Good riddance!” Piper shakes her fist before checking her pistol and reloading, “You still in one piece?” she asks as she joins Jackie.

“Yeah…” she knows she should be shoving bullets in her gun but she’s lost the ability to make her limbs move.

They’re one step closer to their final destination and Jackie’s forgotten how to breathe. She stands and stares, at nothing in particular, unable to put another foot forward. Fingers on her shoulder, gently squeezing…

Firm. Solid. _Warmth_ beneath her palm as she reaches for the hand upon her shoulder.

 _“Dixie."_ Her hand shakes, eyes only seeing darkness behind her tightly shut lids, and she pleads, _please let this be real._

The warmth disappears, replaced by an arm pulling her close, “Aw, Blue-”

“I can’t do this Piper!” and reality comes crashing down in muted colors and dilapidated buildings.

“You can. I know you can.” There’s kindness in her friend’s eyes, understanding, “You’ve survived so much already and...I know...I’m not…” Piper doesn’t have to say the words, she’s not Nate but maybe that’s ok, “but I am your friend. You’re not in this alone.” She nudges Jackie onward and Dogmeat leans his head into her hand, “We do this together.”

Jackie’s arm finds its way into a side hug as she allows Piper to guide her up the scaffolding. Tears gather in her eyes but she refuses to let them fall. Not when she has a mission to complete. She doesn’t feel strong or courageous, she just feels broken and afraid. For Shaun though, she’ll put on a brave face and keep moving.

At the summit, Jackie shakes herself free and lets Piper and Dogmeat plod ahead. As they make their way across the metal shingles and ascend another rickety ramp to the upper tier of the roof, Jackie hears familiar sputtering. “Dogmeat!” she hisses and fumbles for Piper’s arm, catching it just before she can turn the corner into a spray of bullets.

Piper’s shoved into the railing and before she can yelp in surprise, Jackie shushes her, “Do you hear it?”

For a moment there’s silence as the canine’s hackles rise and Piper frowns, “My hot plate’s been on the fritz but these damn turrets still work after 200 years?”

There’s something foreign happening on Jackie’s face, a rare smile makes an appearance, “What can I say, the army built ‘em to last.”

“So this was your doing?” An elbow to the ribs accompanies Piper’s sass.

“No, but God knows what my husband secretly had his hands in.”

They both snicker before Piper peers around the corner, “Do you think we can just sneak by?”

Jackie scoots by to get a better look. Two turrets remain; one just around the corner and another on the front, lower corner of the building. Both aimed toward the street. Even if they could get around them, the machine guns are likely to cause problems later.

Eons past over it, Jackie shoves her pistol in its holster and reaches for the shotgun strapped to her back.

“Is that really necessary?” Piper sighs to the tune of her handgun priming.

“Yes.” Jackie chambers the round and creeps up behind the turret, Dogmeat growling on her haunches.

The machine groans under the battery of shot blasting from her gun, sending metal casing flying before oil and flames spatter the ground and consume the air. With a scoff at her back, bullets whiz overhead, popping in her ear until the forward defense explodes, erupting into a billow of smoke.

“I guess we showed them,” Piper relaxes and leans into her hip.

“I don’t know about you, but I didn’t want to end up with a bullet in my back come morning.” This place is grating on her sanity and Piper’s mocking isn’t helping.

Across the divide of the roof sits the maintenance hatch. “Over there.” Jackie juts her chin towards it and shoulders her shotgun as she sets off to cross the makeshift bridge connecting the rooftops.

Upon reaching the hatch, Jackie hesitates, staring at the heavy metal door. Her ghosts flutter within. They’re all around her, floating in the swirling mist, whispering through the wind...

_“Don’t forget to breathe… It’ll be alright Hon… I’ll see you on the other side...”_

Piper reaches for the handles, but Jackie catches her wrist, peers at her with pleading in her eyes, “Please,” she’s desperate to keep her demons at bay, “I can’t. I’m not ready…”

Before Piper can react, gravity sends her crashing to her knees and not even Dogmeat licking her face can keep the tears from rolling down her cheeks. Fat, salty droplets plummet to the gritty shingles beneath her hands.

Piper kneels beside her and pulls Jackie into her arms. “You are so much stronger than you know.”

Tears smear against Piper’s coat and Jackie can taste the salt. She cries out, shouts at the injustice of the whole thing because she’s lost so much, yet there’s still more left to lose. Time stretches on and Jackie weeps until there are no tears left to shed. Eventually, the shakes subside and she can breathe again.

With her face puffy and raw, she detaches herself from Piper and digs the heel of her palm into her eyes to brush away the tears.

“Thank you,” she managers and she wipes her face against the fabric of her vault suit, “for being my friend. For putting up with me and not abandoning me.”

“I would never abandon you.” For a moment Piper looks horrified before she smiles and hugs Jackie one last time, pulling her to her feet as she stands, “You ready, Blue?”

She’s not, but at least she feels sane enough to continue, “Yeah, let’s get this over with.” Jackie nods and as Piper wrenches the door open and Dogmeat leaps inside, she vows that this is not the end of her, it is the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> I just thought Fort Hagen would have been really difficult for Jackie. If the Sole Survivor, or their spouse, has a military background, wouldn't they have been stationed there at some point? Yeah, the SoSu is there for their son, but don't you think the place itself would have stirred up some sort of emotional reaction?


End file.
